INTRODUCTION

Perhaps there are many people who share  similar experiences like I do,  yet  when a problem befalls on you, it feels as though you are are the  only person undergoing such intense pain. Because you can't tell how much it hurts- the depth and magnitude, your experience is limited to yourself. The kind of feeling I am enjoying today is blend of fear and confidence; happy and not so happy one.

BACKGROUND

Having had  undergone unprecedented phase of life earlier, the current time that flows seem to be in my favor. Although nothing can be said in terms of warranty how long this good news would last, I pray Almighty gives me enough blessings to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One of the primary reasons as to why I located myself to Thimphu was for investigating the fertility status of self and wife. Having been married for more than four long year, with two devastating miscarriages- one in January 17, 2020 and another in January 3, 2022, the subtle pressure I was feeling on the need to posses a child was getting intense. But there was something that was obstructing the flow of my dream-fullfilment. So, following a gynae-cological recommendation, I carried out my semen analysis. While the first one done sometime in October was very disheartening wherein  I was found Oligozoospermia- a condition when your sperm count is lower than 15 million per mili-litre of semen, the second one that I did was promising one. The second semen analysis I did was after taking clomiphene for the period of three months. In addition to it, on the recommendation of the doctor, I  also tried taking walnuts a day for at least two week or more. Perhaps, all of these helped. 

A GOOD NEWS

A happy news happened to strike  my ears in June when she was due for her monthly period. My wife informed me she hadn't had period for a few days. However, given the experience of the past when she miscarried just a few days after we started rejoicing, we didn't bother much. We wanted to wait for sometime before we conducted home pregnancy test. On 20th June, my inquisitiveness to understand exactly what it was overcome. She was positive on the home pregnancy test. But as said in the beginning, to a skeptical heart, there was nothing that would bring you cent percentage delight or excitement. 

I have been  counting days- day 46th, 47th 48th, and today as I write this, its 76th day today, corresponding to 10 weeks and 6 days. I just wanted to keep account of the fact that Uma is pregnant since day 26. This is just 20 days after missing her send period. 

 The Electricity crises in Jomotsangkha

INTRODUCTION

I don't exactly remember when Jomotsangkhag got it electric supply for the first time. My parents and relatives, when asked, say that it was there before I was born. And I was born in 1990. Therefore, electricity supply in Jomotsangkha must have come sometime in 1988 or so. However, as unreliable as it was then, the supply was from Assam, India. Because it was regulated by the people in Assam, the power outage would occur any time of the day or night. When required badly, there would be an outage. And even today the situation is no different, although the connection from Bhutan has already been done. 

FREQUENT OUTAGE

Having been born and Brought up in Jomotsangkha, erstwhile Daifam, a place in the extreme East, attention from the policy makers seem to be negligible, or minimum, if at all.  Perhaps, because Daifam has just around 8899 population, with just 1202 households, BPC might not have shown its keenness in solving the ever linger issue. Also, adding to the never-getting solved issue as this, could be the location of Jomotsangkha from Bhutan side. I am sure it would cost BPC a huge amount, taking the heavy power transmission lines from Samdrup Choling side. I have every now and been hearing people complain of erratic power supply and frequent outage. As per the medical coverage on the outage following are the times there was power outage. And the response BPC personnel gave in all the time was the same: accessibility issue due to thick vegetation, swollen river and continuous rainfall or lightening strike, gusty wind etc. 

The  power supply to daifam, as per the information shared by BPC on its website, Jomotsangkha's line  is a 33 KV emanating from 132/33 KV substation in bhangtar on  total distance  of 260 KM with 175 Transformers in between. Since Jomotsangkha Dungkhag consisting of Langchenphu, Serthi and Lauri Gewogs,  received power supply from Bhutan, sometime in 2014 end since then there have been so many complaints of outages as follows:

On 10th October 2015, a media coverage  by the Kuensel titled: "Lauri and Serthi still in the dark", it was reported that there was no power supply for more than a month. It furthers states that in the same year, Serthi was without electricity in April and Lauri February. 

On 24th  June 2017- Kuensel again covered a news titled: Erratic power supply irks jomotsangkha residents". Similarly on 5th October 2020, BPC uploaded on their website informing the general public that electricity supply was disrupted  since 27th September. Taking 18 days, the power supply was restored. 

BBS also covered a news on 18th May, titled: the power supply in Jomotshangkha Dungkhag and its three gewogs of Langchenphug, Serthig and Lauri is restored at around 3:30 this afternoon. Electricity supply in the Dungkhag was cut off since 15th May.

In the BBS coverage of  June 22, 2022 issue  titled: "Persistent power outage in Jomotshangkha infuriates residents", It reports  the three Gewog were without  power supply for 17 days.  While the same situation reported by BPC on its Facebook page states that power outage that commenced since  was  10th  September was corrected and power restored on 27th September 2020.

Surprisingly, in all the notification and clarification BPC has provided states that the power blackout happened due to heavy rainfall, gusty wind, flood, landslides, animals attack and lightening strikes. And the reason for them to take long in find faults occurred due to inaccesbilty, thick forest, fear of wild animals, swollen river and etc.

Trypanophobia

Of late, I have started feeling that Diabetes might have been knocking the door of my health. This was following some vague signs of Diabetes, that I knew being a Google Doctor.

And today, I just wanted to get myself checked. (Although, I have changed my dinner time to 6 PM from 9 PM as one mitigating measure incase it's because of eating too much- a blunt thought I have).

Today, I availed an appointment(ofcourse with a support from known one) and did a blood test, which I was thinking of doing since some time. However, I forgot that, to get the result, the toughest stepping stone to drawing blood was getting my antecubital fossa(part opposite to elbow) pierced. Although, it's not a mere fear of getting pierced that bothered me, the sight and the size of injection that did . Or perhaps it's the combination of other incidents of childhood and now that contributed to this pathetic feeling.

I am sure, I am not alone when it comes this weird fear of injection that's called Trypanophobia. Many of us have been a part of child- frightening tactics at home or in neighborhood that could also have been fueling this fear.

Whenever a child nagged her/his parents about not taking meals or not listening to parents, many of us would frighten a child by telling them we are from health and have carried an injection to inject anyone who cried or didn't listen to parents.

Or even in my personal experience, I have often deterred my cousins from following me to Bazar by telling them that I was going to hospital to get injected and if they wanted the same they might follow me.

So, the bottom line is, almost everyone of us consciously or unconsciously have been feeding our mind into thinking that injection is a very scary thing, by way of frightening children or through own personal experience of the past. And that translates to reality when we near an injection. And same happend to me. Trypanophobia!

Winter's December and the free-Flowing Sentiments

It's lovely December once again as I write this piece. I don't understand why I feel like it's the eve of another new year! Unaffected by the freezing cold, and unafraid of the bodily numbness that winter's December causes, I heartily and unreservedly welcome it. With immense fondness and overwhelming excitement! With the same level of appreciation and love. With a profound anticipation and a big dream.

 

I for one always consider winter to be better than any religious festive occasions. Really!

Not just for one reason. But for many! Had it not been for the pandemic- striken time like this, I am sure this winter wouldn't be as less beautiful as others of the past. I have my reason as to why I am always excited by the coming of winter: It's the time that would take me home, my original-ancestral home! Ofcourse towards the diliapidated, old structure that stands beckoning me with its presence but harbouring and nurturing millions of good vibes; to the place my subconcious mind still holds the bygone days flashing in my dreams- my Jomotsangkha!

 

It's been almost two complete years since I last visited my native village, located some less than 600 miles from Thimphu, towards the extreme East. It was on the occasion of my elder brother's wedding, during the 2019 winter that my wife and I had visited it last. Although there is nothing so tangible in existence to explain why I love my native place so much despite its location in the remotest part, my sentiments just drive me crazy. It's the birth and and my growing-up- moments that took place there that can't stop attracting me, just the way many of people are attracted by their birth place. My spirit still lingers there. Nothing so discouraging as overwhelming distance or frequent inaccessibility owing to frequent road blocks lessens my love for Jomotsangkha. Indeed, the thirst for visiting it again and again is ever unquenchable!

 

Jomotsangkha Dungkhag has remained cut-off for almost two years, having had the access only people under emergency situations. Except for that, hardly anyone would think of visiting Jomotsangkha, or for that matter, hardly anyone from there would think of entering other low risk Dzongkhags. The reason is simple and apparent for anyone to see it. The seven day long mandatory quarantine scheme while entering the low risk Dzongkhags from the High Risk ones discourages many people(Ofcourse the Government decision to introduce this interim measure is noble and worth applauding). Adding to this hurdle, my concern for the inability to travel home is the physical distance so overwhelmingly long and condition of road getting frequently very risky.

 

Had it been those normal times like in the past(Pre-Pandemic), it was easy to be home, atleast in terms of condition of road and the time taken to reach home through the Indian Highways (Other reasons like frequent Assam Strike or Goons bullying the Bhutanese vehicle still bother us on a daily basis). The Phuntsholing- Bengal- Assam- Jomotsangkha route along the 600 KM wide and smooth Highway would take us a just a day. Or two if we spent a night in Phuntsholing. Otherwise, it's just less than 24 hours that is enough for me to be home. We also usually took the Gelephu- Assam-Jomotsangkha route as an alternative to the above one. My hope of returning to a better time got shattered as another variant O has taken turn to visit the world.

 

As a series of unforseen and undesirable development takes place in introducing to the world various variants of COVID19, thousand dreams are shattered. Many people far away from ancestral home, who must have considered dropping home and celebrating the reunion with family members might have been at low. The same feeling of hopelessness creeps in me. Now, if I have to travel home, I have to take Trongsa- Bumthang- Mongar-Tashigang-Samdrup Jongkhar- Jomotsangkha route, making tour of almost all the Central and Eastern Dzongkhags. And adding to the already long tedious journey, the road condition right from Semtokha till Samdrup Jongkhar is unfavourable, with frequent news and notifications of the road being blocked. So taking into account all these obstacles, it feels that reaching Singapore would take shorter time than reaching Jomotsangkha.

 

Pandemic that has taught us to prioritize health over anything, seems to weaken the desire of reunion with ones family. And many sentimental souls like me might just celebrate in mind the coming of winter and resent the inability to be home. Until better time comes I shall celebrate the time that is winter in a desperate hope to head home some day in future. For a reunion with parents. For a reunion with relatives. And cherish my time with neighbours. I shall look forward to visiting the childhood- preserved landmarks; see and touch the branches and leaves of very old Bodhi tree located below my house and take a sigh of deep relief.

My Dilapidated House

 

REFLECTION ON MY FOURTH YEAR OF SERVICE: ASSESSING THROUGH MY OWN METRICS

Graduating from the College of Natural Resources(CNR) in 2015 was a beautiful feeling in itself because I was among the very few from my family and relatives, who had been so fortunate to have achieved so. Moreover, it was a competition with my own not-stable-background that i come from, that I would like to compare my achievement with.

Then, completing a bachelor's degree was one thing, trying to get through the precious but feared BCSE was quite another.

Somehow, by the grace of almighty, it took me by surprise when I just went through the BCSE result on my Nokia phone on the morning of December 9, 2015. I couldn't believe my eyes and wondered for sometime if what i had read and understood was right. More than anything, the happiness that turned up on my family was unimaginable.

I saw umpteen dreams in a blink of eyes. Among so many, I told my parents that I would buy them a Bolero so that my father could drive and earn. I also conceived a very pale dream of buying a tractor so that my parents could do away with need to hunt for forage every day and earn money aswell. I don't say that it was a very funny dream, for what else a rustic child could do?. Like they say, "a coconut on the monkey's hand": because overwhelmed with the excitement and a feeling of pride on having gotten through the very precious exam that was the road to civil service, there was nothing better I could think of.

Then, I would say, "we will also construct a decent house. Standing strong for more than two decades, the tower-like, incomplete house that has withstood frequent wind storm and innumerable frequencies of earthquake, has catapulted us so far. We sheltered ourselves from wicked wind, heavy rainfall and scorching sun under the low budgeted roof and between the bamboo slit-woven wall of the house. My father had said that he would establish stone walls around and complete it. It remained just as words. The fund stone- walls would consume, went straight to our education coffer that got built in our need to educate ourselves. Wall from the ground floor of the house being absent, it brought a tower- like look to our house. People would ask us if we would keep cattle in that open area of the ground floor. We would say nothing.

Rustic ambition in mind, I stepped into civil service, taking oath to give my best, first year passed. Then second year, third year and now its fourth year-but still the dreams have remained unfulfilled and of course unforgotten. The dream of buying a Bolero for my parents have rendered itself obsolete. The dream to buy a tractor is still in oblivion. I can't wake it up or revive or else it will consume me and my happiness, because once I start considering it, guilt would run over me.

Let alone the ability to buy a tractor, it takes profuse shedding of sweat from the teeth to purchase even the necessities on a daily basis.

The status I have received through my current position made many people in my village think that I earn a lot of money. People would address me Dasho because that is what the society has created. However, receiving whatever meager amount of salary the Royal Government of Bhutan could afford on me with its very scarce resource, and especially times when the prices of any commodities are abnormally inflated, I want to forget whatever big dreams rustic perspective has made me dream. This shame still doesn't get over me: when ever I visit my village and meet with fellow villagers, I can't even buy them a fifteen-ngultrum worth of coke. The remnant of money from whatever goes the bank for my small car, never remains comfortably with me. Ofcourse, not to over exaggerate, I have many a times, avoided buying anything like that if there are more than 2 people. Rather I buy them doma so that it would suffice offering to a few.

Having accepted the privilege of a civil service entitlement of availing loan, I have somehow, been able to own a small car. And doing this has taken many sacrifices of life. It has almost paralysed my financial ability. Luckily, having have to pay less than four thousand as rent, things haven't been very harsh, as it should have been, if the residence was Thimphu or so. Owning own car was felt very necessary at this juncture despite being selfish and forewent many other generous dreams.

Four sweet years have passed with dreams still on about constructing a decent house for my parents and liberate them from the shame of having to lie everyone asking if their sons were reconstructing it.

At times, I just ask myself as to what would be the opportunity cost of buying a car for myself but then I get answer from my own self. It would be just less than half the total expenditure that the new house would take. And that was it. Such a pathetic life a civil servant myself lead in terms of ability to fulfill a simple dream. Prices of consumer goods have sky rocketed and the notes I get as salary don't have values for bigger dream in the life of a tiny-background person. However, as times go by, I am sure I would re-prioritize things as I keep serving the country with best of my ability.

My Struggle for Becoming a Father

Introduction 

Nobody would understand the pain better than by the couple who have been trying to parent a baby.  I mean, having been married for more than a few years, there is already creeping in of  a subtle pressure of society in the form of an  expectation for  baby. And even the very  sample  we take of people who have been married tend to give such an  impression-  a baby right after marriage! 

We live in a society's that just makes you believe that  it's time we had  a baby as soon we are married. or else, you are viewed differently- like, you are impotent or an eunuch.  And  overwhelming number of  arrows of questions are thrown at you. They pierce you so deep and hard that the agony emanating from it just keeps you awake all the time. Perhaps, it disturbs you more than it reminds you. 

Despite so much happening against your favor, you cannot exercise an absolute liberty in deciding on when to have a baby and when not to, because the bigger planner is the Almighty and without his will, there is nothing you can do.You   need a  direction from God.  Indeed, life flows along the bigger plan of Almighty. Unless it matches His, our small plans, be they in millions, are rendered nullified.

Now, the story I am to narrate of my life is the phase-wise experience of marriage and the struggles I am facing in living the expectations of the society.  

Our Marriage 

My wife and I have been married for more than 4 years now. I just would like to believe that we were married just because we had to marry, once in life,  just like grown-up people do at a particular point in life. Uma and I tied the  nuptial knots in a very typical Hindu custom. There were more than 500 people coming to witness out marriage; from her side, as usual, people from all walks of life gathered, firstly to  see the groom and then to shower their blessings for a better life. From my side, to see the bride and shower their blessings on us. This is what I have heard  people say they visit marriage ceremonies for. The requirement for a grand ceremony the culture I have been born and brought up in,  actually has its significance. The people far and near when they witness the marriage ceremony, pass on  sacred prayers-for a better future and  for a better life-  a life filled with happiness and many more. I had thought that I had so much blessings, only later realize I actually lacked them. 

Newly Marriage Life

Whatsoever, sadly, life doesn't go the way people want. Maye be it goes the way it wants. Or it follow the direction showed by God.

 Initial phase of post- marriage life has been beautiful: we were just two of us trying to get adorned in the world of romance being a new couple in the town. We enjoyed being just two of us. And at times, all we were experiencing was both the beauty and ugliness of marriage life- something very normal an experience. We were very much relaxed in the way we look at our lives.  But this was just short-lived. Days of struggles, to walk on the path society's had paved in keeping with the best interest following a marriage life, were coming. We knew, though!We were supposed to give the world a baby soon after marriage. But we failed. We failed miserably. 

You know the ancient tradition has this: the day you tied nuptial knots, on the occasion called Suhag Rath (meaning nuptial night.golden night), your seed for a baby is planted. and soon after 9 months of marriage, a couple will be holding a baby. However, this is on a little vulgar-sounding sense.

Until it was more than three years we were married, we had no desire  for parenting a child, for there were enough sceneries of a child-ful life of people around us.  So, daily exposure to the colleagues and relatives undergoing sleepless nights and experiencing tough  times with a child on their lap or back was,  more than enough for us not to desire for any offspring. Brand new parents experiencing a sudden illness of their child, rushing to hospital or hunting for shaman,  sacrificing their otherwise beautiful time (I mean occasions they used to celebrate fondly prior to having a baby)  for attending to their child,  had somehow indirectly signaled  compromises and challenges that one is faced with, in  possessing a child. 

Even parents with grown- up kids not being able to  discipline them had sent enough of silent messages to us in harboring a very low interest on having a child. I thought planning a baby so soon  was unnecessarily inviting an unbearable issue in life.  But this too would change, I didn't know. 

 Seriousness in Post Marriage Life

The carefree feeling and the carefree life  were celebrating soon came to a halt. Enough of hearing relatives, colleagues and neighbors ask that very hard question to answer, "when are you planning to make a child?". I have started getting that subtle pressure to respond them the question of a child with a child on my lap! Even while talking with my mum over phone and asking her to come stay with me, she has started nagging and blackmailing me by saying that unless there is a grandson to play with, she isn't coming. So basically these subtle pressures are hitting us hard, daily!

A  short-lived Good News

Having had undergone  experiences of encounter with innumerable   bomb-like questions- from left and right; from relatives and friends, I started thinking, "perhaps it's time that I started getting serious in life. 

Then, perhaps by the grace of God, one day my wife informed me that she wasn't having period for a few days. We waited for a few more days before we acted on it. Within I was melting with excitement and unprecedented delight. Now the time to respond the challenging questions of people was approaching, I thought. Unable to hold the ever increasing inquisitiveness, we wanted to conduct home-pregnancy test. With a generous support of a friend known in the Hospital, I availed a test kit and, the restlessness of excitement came to a happy stop. Uma tested positive on the home-pregnancy test kit. In a day or two, we went to the Daga Hospital to re-confirm. The Lab. Asst with a recommendation form the community health staff   re-confirmed it to be positive on HCG test kit.  Uma was prescribed  Folic Acid for three months with a piece of advice to conduct Ultra-Sound after 3 months. We were really happy. Such a good news couldn't rest only inside of me. I even informed my mum. She was really happy as well. However, the so good news culminated in a very sad news. On 16th January after 48th  day of her pregnancy, she informed me that she started bleeding. Though initially she said it was alight bleeding. But as time went by, it started heavy. It was January 16 2021 when she started showing serious sight of Miscarriage- Heavy Bleeding, Abdominal cramp, Lower Back ache.   I was devastated. Broken from within. But didn't give up my composure. Actually I was pretending not to mind at the misfortune that befell on me. Inside, I was silently enduring the pain, while Uma had both physically and mentally been traumatised. She was mentally gone very low. No wonder, it was 50th Day of her pregnancy. Soon after the abrupt abortion, she complained of severe headache. I knew she was stressed with over thinking. Though I tried consoling her and assured her there was nothing to worry about, it wouldn't work. I even told here,  what we have  not seen shouldn't be felt so bad for. She listened. Her  heart didn't! I knew that precisely  and deeply. 

Later, I learned that  she must have undergone what medically is called as PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as a result of that unfortunate incident.  Despite several medical checkups carried out in JDWNRH, to consulting  Gynaecologist and Psychiatrist, and subsequent diagnosis,  she didn't report any  relaxation of Headache. The pain was worse when she was at home taking leave for a period of month from school. Although I knew she would feel a bit better when she would join school, she was not ready to join her school before completing a month of leave- perhaps due to physical pain or feeling of guilt to herself. Perhaps, she had  thought she wouldn't be able to face her colleagues as a result of such an unfortunate incident. However, once she joined her school after availing a month-long break,  she was experiencing improved health.I was happy. 

My coming to Thimphu

I was having a gala time at Dagana serving as HR officer since 2017 until many factors led me to settle at Thimphu. Despite apparent hurdles in adjusting to the city life specially in terms of money, my determination wasn't deterred. One very obvious reason for me to decide to challenge myself posting to Thimphu was for Fertility-Check ups; to consult  doctor and seek reasons as to why I couldn't father a child. Indeed, both my wife and I wanted to conduct check ups and rule out who had the real issue. 

We finally moved to Thimphu with my position changed from HR Officer to Program Officer  in June 2021. Although initially some settling-down activities and the new environmental  shock  would confuse us, it would take until September 2021 to approach the Gynaecologist and conduct series of medical test based on his recommendation.  We were apprehensive as well as excited to get exposed the real reason on our delayed child-bearing ability. 

 Consultation with the  Gynecologist 

Thanks to the support of my brother-in-law, who also is a doctor at JDWNRH, Uma and I availed an appointment,  with a Gynecologist, Dr. Namkha. Upon meeting him, we were asked several very personal questions. Some of the questions asked were:

1. How regularly do you have sex?

2. Do you smoke/drink?

3. How long have you been married?

4. Etc.

After we responded the quizzical questions like a rapid fire round of a Quiz, we were advised to carry out series of fertility tests; my wife was asked to do Ultrasound, HSG(X ray) and Urine & Blood Test. However, I was asked to do Semen Analysis only.  Although we were asked to do the above test. we were not made clear on when to do so. The fact that we were not informed on when to do those test, we were a bit confused. When we approached health professionals for all the recommended test, our ignorance was made to vanish. 

Conclusion

Having followed the prescription of the Gyane, the story doesn't end here. Indeed, some sweet; some bitter experiences still remain to be shared.