Introduction
Nobody would understand the pain better than by the couple who have been trying to parent a baby. I mean, having been married for more than a few years, there is already creeping in of a subtle pressure of society in the form of an expectation for baby. And even the very sample we take of people who have been married tend to give such an impression- a baby right after marriage!
We live in a society's that just makes you believe that it's time we had a baby as soon we are married. or else, you are viewed differently- like, you are impotent or an eunuch. And overwhelming number of arrows of questions are thrown at you. They pierce you so deep and hard that the agony emanating from it just keeps you awake all the time. Perhaps, it disturbs you more than it reminds you.
Despite so much happening against your favor, you cannot exercise an absolute liberty in deciding on when to have a baby and when not to, because the bigger planner is the Almighty and without his will, there is nothing you can do.You need a direction from God. Indeed, life flows along the bigger plan of Almighty. Unless it matches His, our small plans, be they in millions, are rendered nullified.
Now, the story I am to narrate of my life is the phase-wise experience of marriage and the struggles I am facing in living the expectations of the society.
Our Marriage
My wife and I have been married for more than 4 years now. I just would like to believe that we were married just because we had to marry, once in life, just like grown-up people do at a particular point in life. Uma and I tied the nuptial knots in a very typical Hindu custom. There were more than 500 people coming to witness out marriage; from her side, as usual, people from all walks of life gathered, firstly to see the groom and then to shower their blessings for a better life. From my side, to see the bride and shower their blessings on us. This is what I have heard people say they visit marriage ceremonies for. The requirement for a grand ceremony the culture I have been born and brought up in, actually has its significance. The people far and near when they witness the marriage ceremony, pass on sacred prayers-for a better future and for a better life- a life filled with happiness and many more. I had thought that I had so much blessings, only later realize I actually lacked them.
Newly Marriage Life
Whatsoever, sadly, life doesn't go the way people want. Maye be it goes the way it wants. Or it follow the direction showed by God.
Initial phase of post- marriage life has been beautiful: we were just two of us trying to get adorned in the world of romance being a new couple in the town. We enjoyed being just two of us. And at times, all we were experiencing was both the beauty and ugliness of marriage life- something very normal an experience. We were very much relaxed in the way we look at our lives. But this was just short-lived. Days of struggles, to walk on the path society's had paved in keeping with the best interest following a marriage life, were coming. We knew, though!We were supposed to give the world a baby soon after marriage. But we failed. We failed miserably.
You know the ancient tradition has this: the day you tied nuptial knots, on the occasion called Suhag Rath (meaning nuptial night.golden night), your seed for a baby is planted. and soon after 9 months of marriage, a couple will be holding a baby. However, this is on a little vulgar-sounding sense.
Until it was more than three years we were married, we had no desire for parenting a child, for there were enough sceneries of a child-ful life of people around us. So, daily exposure to the colleagues and relatives undergoing sleepless nights and experiencing tough times with a child on their lap or back was, more than enough for us not to desire for any offspring. Brand new parents experiencing a sudden illness of their child, rushing to hospital or hunting for shaman, sacrificing their otherwise beautiful time (I mean occasions they used to celebrate fondly prior to having a baby) for attending to their child, had somehow indirectly signaled compromises and challenges that one is faced with, in possessing a child.
Even parents with grown- up kids not being able to discipline them had sent enough of silent messages to us in harboring a very low interest on having a child. I thought planning a baby so soon was unnecessarily inviting an unbearable issue in life. But this too would change, I didn't know.
Seriousness in Post Marriage Life
The carefree feeling and the carefree life were celebrating soon came to a halt. Enough of hearing relatives, colleagues and neighbors ask that very hard question to answer, "when are you planning to make a child?". I have started getting that subtle pressure to respond them the question of a child with a child on my lap! Even while talking with my mum over phone and asking her to come stay with me, she has started nagging and blackmailing me by saying that unless there is a grandson to play with, she isn't coming. So basically these subtle pressures are hitting us hard, daily!
A short-lived Good News
Having had undergone experiences of encounter with innumerable bomb-like questions- from left and right; from relatives and friends, I started thinking, "perhaps it's time that I started getting serious in life.
Then, perhaps by the grace of God, one day my wife informed me that she wasn't having period for a few days. We waited for a few more days before we acted on it. Within I was melting with excitement and unprecedented delight. Now the time to respond the challenging questions of people was approaching, I thought. Unable to hold the ever increasing inquisitiveness, we wanted to conduct home-pregnancy test. With a generous support of a friend known in the Hospital, I availed a test kit and, the restlessness of excitement came to a happy stop. Uma tested positive on the home-pregnancy test kit. In a day or two, we went to the Daga Hospital to re-confirm. The Lab. Asst with a recommendation form the community health staff re-confirmed it to be positive on HCG test kit. Uma was prescribed Folic Acid for three months with a piece of advice to conduct Ultra-Sound after 3 months. We were really happy. Such a good news couldn't rest only inside of me. I even informed my mum. She was really happy as well. However, the so good news culminated in a very sad news. On 16th January after 48th day of her pregnancy, she informed me that she started bleeding. Though initially she said it was alight bleeding. But as time went by, it started heavy. It was January 16 2021 when she started showing serious sight of Miscarriage- Heavy Bleeding, Abdominal cramp, Lower Back ache. I was devastated. Broken from within. But didn't give up my composure. Actually I was pretending not to mind at the misfortune that befell on me. Inside, I was silently enduring the pain, while Uma had both physically and mentally been traumatised. She was mentally gone very low. No wonder, it was 50th Day of her pregnancy. Soon after the abrupt abortion, she complained of severe headache. I knew she was stressed with over thinking. Though I tried consoling her and assured her there was nothing to worry about, it wouldn't work. I even told here, what we have not seen shouldn't be felt so bad for. She listened. Her heart didn't! I knew that precisely and deeply.
Later, I learned that she must have undergone what medically is called as PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as a result of that unfortunate incident. Despite several medical checkups carried out in JDWNRH, to consulting Gynaecologist and Psychiatrist, and subsequent diagnosis, she didn't report any relaxation of Headache. The pain was worse when she was at home taking leave for a period of month from school. Although I knew she would feel a bit better when she would join school, she was not ready to join her school before completing a month of leave- perhaps due to physical pain or feeling of guilt to herself. Perhaps, she had thought she wouldn't be able to face her colleagues as a result of such an unfortunate incident. However, once she joined her school after availing a month-long break, she was experiencing improved health.I was happy.
My coming to Thimphu
I was having a gala time at Dagana serving as HR officer since 2017 until many factors led me to settle at Thimphu. Despite apparent hurdles in adjusting to the city life specially in terms of money, my determination wasn't deterred. One very obvious reason for me to decide to challenge myself posting to Thimphu was for Fertility-Check ups; to consult doctor and seek reasons as to why I couldn't father a child. Indeed, both my wife and I wanted to conduct check ups and rule out who had the real issue.
We finally moved to Thimphu with my position changed from HR Officer to Program Officer in June 2021. Although initially some settling-down activities and the new environmental shock would confuse us, it would take until September 2021 to approach the Gynaecologist and conduct series of medical test based on his recommendation. We were apprehensive as well as excited to get exposed the real reason on our delayed child-bearing ability.
Consultation with the Gynecologist
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