REFLECTION ON MY FOURTH YEAR OF SERVICE: ASSESSING THROUGH MY OWN METRICS

Graduating from the College of Natural Resources(CNR) in 2015 was a beautiful feeling in itself because I was among the very few from my family and relatives, who had been so fortunate to have achieved so. Moreover, it was a competition with my own not-stable-background that i come from, that I would like to compare my achievement with.

Then, completing a bachelor's degree was one thing, trying to get through the precious but feared BCSE was quite another.

Somehow, by the grace of almighty, it took me by surprise when I just went through the BCSE result on my Nokia phone on the morning of December 9, 2015. I couldn't believe my eyes and wondered for sometime if what i had read and understood was right. More than anything, the happiness that turned up on my family was unimaginable.

I saw umpteen dreams in a blink of eyes. Among so many, I told my parents that I would buy them a Bolero so that my father could drive and earn. I also conceived a very pale dream of buying a tractor so that my parents could do away with need to hunt for forage every day and earn money aswell. I don't say that it was a very funny dream, for what else a rustic child could do?. Like they say, "a coconut on the monkey's hand": because overwhelmed with the excitement and a feeling of pride on having gotten through the very precious exam that was the road to civil service, there was nothing better I could think of.

Then, I would say, "we will also construct a decent house. Standing strong for more than two decades, the tower-like, incomplete house that has withstood frequent wind storm and innumerable frequencies of earthquake, has catapulted us so far. We sheltered ourselves from wicked wind, heavy rainfall and scorching sun under the low budgeted roof and between the bamboo slit-woven wall of the house. My father had said that he would establish stone walls around and complete it. It remained just as words. The fund stone- walls would consume, went straight to our education coffer that got built in our need to educate ourselves. Wall from the ground floor of the house being absent, it brought a tower- like look to our house. People would ask us if we would keep cattle in that open area of the ground floor. We would say nothing.

Rustic ambition in mind, I stepped into civil service, taking oath to give my best, first year passed. Then second year, third year and now its fourth year-but still the dreams have remained unfulfilled and of course unforgotten. The dream of buying a Bolero for my parents have rendered itself obsolete. The dream to buy a tractor is still in oblivion. I can't wake it up or revive or else it will consume me and my happiness, because once I start considering it, guilt would run over me.

Let alone the ability to buy a tractor, it takes profuse shedding of sweat from the teeth to purchase even the necessities on a daily basis.

The status I have received through my current position made many people in my village think that I earn a lot of money. People would address me Dasho because that is what the society has created. However, receiving whatever meager amount of salary the Royal Government of Bhutan could afford on me with its very scarce resource, and especially times when the prices of any commodities are abnormally inflated, I want to forget whatever big dreams rustic perspective has made me dream. This shame still doesn't get over me: when ever I visit my village and meet with fellow villagers, I can't even buy them a fifteen-ngultrum worth of coke. The remnant of money from whatever goes the bank for my small car, never remains comfortably with me. Ofcourse, not to over exaggerate, I have many a times, avoided buying anything like that if there are more than 2 people. Rather I buy them doma so that it would suffice offering to a few.

Having accepted the privilege of a civil service entitlement of availing loan, I have somehow, been able to own a small car. And doing this has taken many sacrifices of life. It has almost paralysed my financial ability. Luckily, having have to pay less than four thousand as rent, things haven't been very harsh, as it should have been, if the residence was Thimphu or so. Owning own car was felt very necessary at this juncture despite being selfish and forewent many other generous dreams.

Four sweet years have passed with dreams still on about constructing a decent house for my parents and liberate them from the shame of having to lie everyone asking if their sons were reconstructing it.

At times, I just ask myself as to what would be the opportunity cost of buying a car for myself but then I get answer from my own self. It would be just less than half the total expenditure that the new house would take. And that was it. Such a pathetic life a civil servant myself lead in terms of ability to fulfill a simple dream. Prices of consumer goods have sky rocketed and the notes I get as salary don't have values for bigger dream in the life of a tiny-background person. However, as times go by, I am sure I would re-prioritize things as I keep serving the country with best of my ability.