My Dilapidated House

 

REFLECTION ON MY FOURTH YEAR OF SERVICE: ASSESSING THROUGH MY OWN METRICS

Graduating from the College of Natural Resources(CNR) in 2015 was a beautiful feeling in itself because I was among the very few from my family and relatives, who had been so fortunate to have achieved so. Moreover, it was a competition with my own not-stable-background that i come from, that I would like to compare my achievement with.

Then, completing a bachelor's degree was one thing, trying to get through the precious but feared BCSE was quite another.

Somehow, by the grace of almighty, it took me by surprise when I just went through the BCSE result on my Nokia phone on the morning of December 9, 2015. I couldn't believe my eyes and wondered for sometime if what i had read and understood was right. More than anything, the happiness that turned up on my family was unimaginable.

I saw umpteen dreams in a blink of eyes. Among so many, I told my parents that I would buy them a Bolero so that my father could drive and earn. I also conceived a very pale dream of buying a tractor so that my parents could do away with need to hunt for forage every day and earn money aswell. I don't say that it was a very funny dream, for what else a rustic child could do?. Like they say, "a coconut on the monkey's hand": because overwhelmed with the excitement and a feeling of pride on having gotten through the very precious exam that was the road to civil service, there was nothing better I could think of.

Then, I would say, "we will also construct a decent house. Standing strong for more than two decades, the tower-like, incomplete house that has withstood frequent wind storm and innumerable frequencies of earthquake, has catapulted us so far. We sheltered ourselves from wicked wind, heavy rainfall and scorching sun under the low budgeted roof and between the bamboo slit-woven wall of the house. My father had said that he would establish stone walls around and complete it. It remained just as words. The fund stone- walls would consume, went straight to our education coffer that got built in our need to educate ourselves. Wall from the ground floor of the house being absent, it brought a tower- like look to our house. People would ask us if we would keep cattle in that open area of the ground floor. We would say nothing.

Rustic ambition in mind, I stepped into civil service, taking oath to give my best, first year passed. Then second year, third year and now its fourth year-but still the dreams have remained unfulfilled and of course unforgotten. The dream of buying a Bolero for my parents have rendered itself obsolete. The dream to buy a tractor is still in oblivion. I can't wake it up or revive or else it will consume me and my happiness, because once I start considering it, guilt would run over me.

Let alone the ability to buy a tractor, it takes profuse shedding of sweat from the teeth to purchase even the necessities on a daily basis.

The status I have received through my current position made many people in my village think that I earn a lot of money. People would address me Dasho because that is what the society has created. However, receiving whatever meager amount of salary the Royal Government of Bhutan could afford on me with its very scarce resource, and especially times when the prices of any commodities are abnormally inflated, I want to forget whatever big dreams rustic perspective has made me dream. This shame still doesn't get over me: when ever I visit my village and meet with fellow villagers, I can't even buy them a fifteen-ngultrum worth of coke. The remnant of money from whatever goes the bank for my small car, never remains comfortably with me. Ofcourse, not to over exaggerate, I have many a times, avoided buying anything like that if there are more than 2 people. Rather I buy them doma so that it would suffice offering to a few.

Having accepted the privilege of a civil service entitlement of availing loan, I have somehow, been able to own a small car. And doing this has taken many sacrifices of life. It has almost paralysed my financial ability. Luckily, having have to pay less than four thousand as rent, things haven't been very harsh, as it should have been, if the residence was Thimphu or so. Owning own car was felt very necessary at this juncture despite being selfish and forewent many other generous dreams.

Four sweet years have passed with dreams still on about constructing a decent house for my parents and liberate them from the shame of having to lie everyone asking if their sons were reconstructing it.

At times, I just ask myself as to what would be the opportunity cost of buying a car for myself but then I get answer from my own self. It would be just less than half the total expenditure that the new house would take. And that was it. Such a pathetic life a civil servant myself lead in terms of ability to fulfill a simple dream. Prices of consumer goods have sky rocketed and the notes I get as salary don't have values for bigger dream in the life of a tiny-background person. However, as times go by, I am sure I would re-prioritize things as I keep serving the country with best of my ability.

My Struggle for Becoming a Father

Introduction 

Nobody would understand the pain better than by the couple who have been trying to parent a baby.  I mean, having been married for more than a few years, there is already creeping in of  a subtle pressure of society in the form of an  expectation for  baby. And even the very  sample  we take of people who have been married tend to give such an  impression-  a baby right after marriage! 

We live in a society's that just makes you believe that  it's time we had  a baby as soon we are married. or else, you are viewed differently- like, you are impotent or an eunuch.  And  overwhelming number of  arrows of questions are thrown at you. They pierce you so deep and hard that the agony emanating from it just keeps you awake all the time. Perhaps, it disturbs you more than it reminds you. 

Despite so much happening against your favor, you cannot exercise an absolute liberty in deciding on when to have a baby and when not to, because the bigger planner is the Almighty and without his will, there is nothing you can do.You   need a  direction from God.  Indeed, life flows along the bigger plan of Almighty. Unless it matches His, our small plans, be they in millions, are rendered nullified.

Now, the story I am to narrate of my life is the phase-wise experience of marriage and the struggles I am facing in living the expectations of the society.  

Our Marriage 

My wife and I have been married for more than 4 years now. I just would like to believe that we were married just because we had to marry, once in life,  just like grown-up people do at a particular point in life. Uma and I tied the  nuptial knots in a very typical Hindu custom. There were more than 500 people coming to witness out marriage; from her side, as usual, people from all walks of life gathered, firstly to  see the groom and then to shower their blessings for a better life. From my side, to see the bride and shower their blessings on us. This is what I have heard  people say they visit marriage ceremonies for. The requirement for a grand ceremony the culture I have been born and brought up in,  actually has its significance. The people far and near when they witness the marriage ceremony, pass on  sacred prayers-for a better future and  for a better life-  a life filled with happiness and many more. I had thought that I had so much blessings, only later realize I actually lacked them. 

Newly Marriage Life

Whatsoever, sadly, life doesn't go the way people want. Maye be it goes the way it wants. Or it follow the direction showed by God.

 Initial phase of post- marriage life has been beautiful: we were just two of us trying to get adorned in the world of romance being a new couple in the town. We enjoyed being just two of us. And at times, all we were experiencing was both the beauty and ugliness of marriage life- something very normal an experience. We were very much relaxed in the way we look at our lives.  But this was just short-lived. Days of struggles, to walk on the path society's had paved in keeping with the best interest following a marriage life, were coming. We knew, though!We were supposed to give the world a baby soon after marriage. But we failed. We failed miserably. 

You know the ancient tradition has this: the day you tied nuptial knots, on the occasion called Suhag Rath (meaning nuptial night.golden night), your seed for a baby is planted. and soon after 9 months of marriage, a couple will be holding a baby. However, this is on a little vulgar-sounding sense.

Until it was more than three years we were married, we had no desire  for parenting a child, for there were enough sceneries of a child-ful life of people around us.  So, daily exposure to the colleagues and relatives undergoing sleepless nights and experiencing tough  times with a child on their lap or back was,  more than enough for us not to desire for any offspring. Brand new parents experiencing a sudden illness of their child, rushing to hospital or hunting for shaman,  sacrificing their otherwise beautiful time (I mean occasions they used to celebrate fondly prior to having a baby)  for attending to their child,  had somehow indirectly signaled  compromises and challenges that one is faced with, in  possessing a child. 

Even parents with grown- up kids not being able to  discipline them had sent enough of silent messages to us in harboring a very low interest on having a child. I thought planning a baby so soon  was unnecessarily inviting an unbearable issue in life.  But this too would change, I didn't know. 

 Seriousness in Post Marriage Life

The carefree feeling and the carefree life  were celebrating soon came to a halt. Enough of hearing relatives, colleagues and neighbors ask that very hard question to answer, "when are you planning to make a child?". I have started getting that subtle pressure to respond them the question of a child with a child on my lap! Even while talking with my mum over phone and asking her to come stay with me, she has started nagging and blackmailing me by saying that unless there is a grandson to play with, she isn't coming. So basically these subtle pressures are hitting us hard, daily!

A  short-lived Good News

Having had undergone  experiences of encounter with innumerable   bomb-like questions- from left and right; from relatives and friends, I started thinking, "perhaps it's time that I started getting serious in life. 

Then, perhaps by the grace of God, one day my wife informed me that she wasn't having period for a few days. We waited for a few more days before we acted on it. Within I was melting with excitement and unprecedented delight. Now the time to respond the challenging questions of people was approaching, I thought. Unable to hold the ever increasing inquisitiveness, we wanted to conduct home-pregnancy test. With a generous support of a friend known in the Hospital, I availed a test kit and, the restlessness of excitement came to a happy stop. Uma tested positive on the home-pregnancy test kit. In a day or two, we went to the Daga Hospital to re-confirm. The Lab. Asst with a recommendation form the community health staff   re-confirmed it to be positive on HCG test kit.  Uma was prescribed  Folic Acid for three months with a piece of advice to conduct Ultra-Sound after 3 months. We were really happy. Such a good news couldn't rest only inside of me. I even informed my mum. She was really happy as well. However, the so good news culminated in a very sad news. On 16th January after 48th  day of her pregnancy, she informed me that she started bleeding. Though initially she said it was alight bleeding. But as time went by, it started heavy. It was January 16 2021 when she started showing serious sight of Miscarriage- Heavy Bleeding, Abdominal cramp, Lower Back ache.   I was devastated. Broken from within. But didn't give up my composure. Actually I was pretending not to mind at the misfortune that befell on me. Inside, I was silently enduring the pain, while Uma had both physically and mentally been traumatised. She was mentally gone very low. No wonder, it was 50th Day of her pregnancy. Soon after the abrupt abortion, she complained of severe headache. I knew she was stressed with over thinking. Though I tried consoling her and assured her there was nothing to worry about, it wouldn't work. I even told here,  what we have  not seen shouldn't be felt so bad for. She listened. Her  heart didn't! I knew that precisely  and deeply. 

Later, I learned that  she must have undergone what medically is called as PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as a result of that unfortunate incident.  Despite several medical checkups carried out in JDWNRH, to consulting  Gynaecologist and Psychiatrist, and subsequent diagnosis,  she didn't report any  relaxation of Headache. The pain was worse when she was at home taking leave for a period of month from school. Although I knew she would feel a bit better when she would join school, she was not ready to join her school before completing a month of leave- perhaps due to physical pain or feeling of guilt to herself. Perhaps, she had  thought she wouldn't be able to face her colleagues as a result of such an unfortunate incident. However, once she joined her school after availing a month-long break,  she was experiencing improved health.I was happy. 

My coming to Thimphu

I was having a gala time at Dagana serving as HR officer since 2017 until many factors led me to settle at Thimphu. Despite apparent hurdles in adjusting to the city life specially in terms of money, my determination wasn't deterred. One very obvious reason for me to decide to challenge myself posting to Thimphu was for Fertility-Check ups; to consult  doctor and seek reasons as to why I couldn't father a child. Indeed, both my wife and I wanted to conduct check ups and rule out who had the real issue. 

We finally moved to Thimphu with my position changed from HR Officer to Program Officer  in June 2021. Although initially some settling-down activities and the new environmental  shock  would confuse us, it would take until September 2021 to approach the Gynaecologist and conduct series of medical test based on his recommendation.  We were apprehensive as well as excited to get exposed the real reason on our delayed child-bearing ability. 

 Consultation with the  Gynecologist 

Thanks to the support of my brother-in-law, who also is a doctor at JDWNRH, Uma and I availed an appointment,  with a Gynecologist, Dr. Namkha. Upon meeting him, we were asked several very personal questions. Some of the questions asked were:

1. How regularly do you have sex?

2. Do you smoke/drink?

3. How long have you been married?

4. Etc.

After we responded the quizzical questions like a rapid fire round of a Quiz, we were advised to carry out series of fertility tests; my wife was asked to do Ultrasound, HSG(X ray) and Urine & Blood Test. However, I was asked to do Semen Analysis only.  Although we were asked to do the above test. we were not made clear on when to do so. The fact that we were not informed on when to do those test, we were a bit confused. When we approached health professionals for all the recommended test, our ignorance was made to vanish. 

Conclusion

Having followed the prescription of the Gyane, the story doesn't end here. Indeed, some sweet; some bitter experiences still remain to be shared.

1.                                    An Obstacle in between my resident and the village.

No matter where one reaches in life, it is the root that counts, more than anything. I for one, I don' know if its emotionally- driven, feel that one should visit his ancestral home and parents once a year, atleast. As I grew up noticing the values people hold with regards to being in touch with their homeland and close ones, I always held this value with awe. r

It was January  2020 that I visited Langchenphu, Jomotsangka, my ancestral home land for  the last time. It was, infact on the occasion of my elder brother's wedding ceremony. My brother, after several deep pressures had agreed to get married formally. Even if it was not for the excuse of his wedding, I had already made up my mind that I would pay a visit to  my village,   meet my relatives and neighbors. 

Ever since I started experiencing life away from home- during my middle secondary schooling and college days, I  have had the privilege of knowing in depth the subtle pain that strike my mind. The choice-less dishes served in the boarder schools that, instead of adding fleshes, took off my flesh from the body, exposing apathetically small bones had always forced me to be home. However, the requirement on me to get an education to strengthen my life, like for many people,  had retained me; or else I would always want to be at home. Really!  

Why I love being home?

I don't have idea as to  what beckons you home, but for me, it's unfathomable and unheard call of my village; the expectation of my parents and neighbors and the immense happiness  on enjoying the vibes of homely feeling.  I love meeting my parents, grandma, uncles and aunts and cousins and of course  all everyone  in the  neighborhood. I love taking endless talks with them. I like being in their presence. I love visiting the old places that have remained in memories as an impressive one- they beckon me with separate level of attraction. When I visit home, I make sure I see and touch those old stuffs that made my childhood a time of joy. I go and see and celebrate the presence and  absence of   those bushes that once existed  above my house where my cousins, brother and I used to jump over in an  excitement that no more exist.   I visit the slope- top that was once just a play spot adorned with thick bushes and fruit trees which have been cleared and occupied by a rehabilitated person. Sometime I walk from one end of the terrace of paddy field that carry stubbles,  to another, recollecting the days in the past when my brother and I  used to run after the egrets shooting them with catapult. Other time I like to visit the spot containing  furrows after furrows, concealing ginger-rhizomes beneath the dying stems and leaves of ginger and perennial weed-grasses. 

As stated above, there are more than one reasons that would take us home.