A letter from a
divorced mum to a son
Sometimes we have so many things in our heart yet due to inability
to utter, they remain within. We may want others to know our plight yet nothing
seems working. No matter what happens in life, fate is the number one thing
that pushes us. Fate is a bloody thing; it unfolds itself anytime.
Dear son
For 10 years, I have borne unbearable pain of being away
from you. For 10 years i have been burning myself in the flame of repentance.Now,i don't know,how long i will continue sleeping on such a thorny bed of life.
I wish i came to the end of life,now Departure from you have been the most miserable thing of life. I felt as if my heart was left behind when I abandoned you with your
father and sought another man I thought would lend me his company until the
end. I am sorry, my son, for all the problems in your life. I wanted to come
closer, talk and beg pardon for making you an untimely orphan. I wanted to, really! Yet you would never look at me. You would never talk. You would seem no more bonded
to me. I wanted to keep you on
my lap, hold you tight and caress your hair like I did when you were small, yet
you would stare at me as if you would remove my eyes. I feared that you would hate
me. I feared you would abuse me. I saw an unusual grave hatred in your eyes,
deep.
You know what? When your father went away chasing dreams of
making more money, I had worked hard to raise you. The greatest pain I bore
with ease—ease because your father and I shared a desire of having you—was the
time I conceived you for nine months. The fact that you possess a precious life
of human has been a predetermined gift of ours. There were times I would struggle to sleep at
night due to bulging stomach. Left and right I would role before I could sleep
with my body facing up. Sometimes I used to give up the food I loved just because
doctor would ask me avoid. During the time I carried you in my womb, you know
my son, I would still work hard. I would cook for your dad, plant millet, husk
grains and sweep yard.
Toughness arose when I delivered you. To deliver a child all women undergo a painful stage and so did I. If defecating would be
tough during constipation, you can’t imagine how difficult it is to deliver a baby
like you. Soon after you came into this world bringing me a lot of happiness, I
have lifted unlimited burden to raise until you were 10 years old. You would follow
me wherever I went.You had become my shadow.
Your post- natal stage was burdensome (if I have to consider
the way many non-mother does) like for many people yet, I took with ease. When I
would return home after paddy and millet cultivation, you would be waiting for me;for suckling my breast,for crying and sleeping. My aching back, calves and throbbing headache would
torture me when I got out from the paddy field yet, I never forgot to keep you
on my lap. As a woman, in the rural village, I was in charge of cooking meals
for your dad and siblings always. Until you became two years old, I had to cook
separate food so that you would swallow easily. I did it not because it was my responsibility
but because I loved you more than anyone.
My bed would reek of urine and I have had to wash the bed
sheet every next morning. Frequently you would defecate on the bed and I have had
to clean your bottom and the sheet. My
son, perhaps, in yours and wife’s time, there would not be as much burden as I have
lifted. Perhaps, you have seen coming up of different facilities to raise
children.
As a mother I had to boil water for you to bathe. You would cry
and deny bathing yet I would coax you. Had it been your father, he would have
never enticed you to accept taking bathe. As you grew up, you used to run here
and there to play and make your cloth dirty. I would get tired of washing them.
My son, before you got used to sleeping with your friends, you
would sleep with me. Many a times, in the midst of night you would wake up and start crying all of a sudden. Without
surrendering myself to laziness or inability, I would wake up, sing lullaby and
then suckle you. Would I be not tired of working the whole day? Did I not desire
sleeping peacefully like your dad in another room did? It was a sacrifice for
you, my son! My life is just a shadow and you are my light. When I ate corns or
chewed other things, you would, out of greed, cry and demand for it. No matter
how hungry I was,i would feed you. Until you gained teeth, I chewed for you.
During the day, you used to sleep once. I had to make sure I
came home asking permission for few minutes to put you to sleep. As I would
comfort you into the cradle and swing it until you went to sleep, I used to
sing lullaby for you. You would not sleep easily and every now and then
attempted to jump out, crying. I had to comfort you. I had to pat you and
caress your hair to put you into sleep. Sometimes because you slept in the day,
you would not sleep at night. I would be weary of day’s work and would want to
sleep early but before you went to sleep, I had to comfort you.
My dear son, perhaps, due to the fact that you are still a
kid, you will not get me. You will hate me for leaving you and your dad behind.
I am sorry. I was at fault for your dad
never looked at me with anger. He never beat or scolded me. I was already in love with that another
man and was pregnant, I was short of option. I can vividly remember the kindest
offer by your dad—he wanted me to come back to him. I am sorry, my son. My character
was at stake. Dignity of your dad was at stake. I had to resort to abandoning
your dad for no good reason. Society as I know would make fun of me and my child;
I feared that the scar of bad image would be stained in all our family members.
To take the blame myself, I decided to go with him.
You know, my son, after I chose to marry another man, I was
never happy. Day in and day out, I had to succumb to series of physical torture
from him. My life was a total mess. My life was no better than hell. I decided to leave him behind.I thought that a man who tortures me daily would never give me happiness.I knew i had made a wrong decision of marrying him. Had i thought of another thought that fateful day when your father had been kind enough,our life would have been so happy.We would have been doing other good thing.Perhaps,it was a destiny of ours to be separated from each other.
It is at this time, I am in need of a companion. I am in need of someone who can wipe off my tears and assure me that I am not alone. My son, its fine, I won’t beg
of you. I have hurt you enough.I am leading my life the way time decides. I have no words to apologize you yet I can’t do
anything more than SORRY!
If one day you find time and decide to meet me,you are always welcome.I live with my brother for now.I don't know how long i can live with him.
Thank you
Your mum
