Dear concerned
I wanted to let you know this before yet I couldn’t do. I want to let you know
this, today, before anything happens to me that will make unable to reach this
message to you. I know whatever I did to you- the extent of abuse was beyond
the limit yet you never told me anything. You never responded in a harsh
manner. Overcome by the intoxication of infatuation and sense of
possessiveness, I was spoilt. I thought the feelings that I had for you was
love and accordingly tended to trouble you day and night. At times I have
disrupted your peace by my presence. In one way or the other, I have caused you
all sort of inconveniences in your life.
I also would like to let you know that I had
an immense feeling for you. Time to time I had let you know that, too.I always
thought about you. In whatever work I engaged in, there wasn’t moment I didn’t
think of you. My life was spoilt. I couldn’t concentrate in my studies. I was
all the time with your thoughts. Each night before I went to bed, I used to
look at my phone waiting for your goodnight wishes. At times I used to wait for
the response of my message. You know, you would just never respond. This
expectation would kill me hard and gradually I became weak. I used to wake up
early in the morning and get indulged into your thoughts.
Sometimes when you talked to your friends
while visiting our block, my ears would curiously wait to eavesdrop you. I
waited you to visit my room sometimes but you hardly would do so. I remember
you coming twice and then never. I felt so happy at those two times of your visit.
I would expect more of it. Many a times I asked you to make dinner for me. It
wasn’t that I wanted to trouble you but I wanted to be with you at least for some
time. My intentions were never to cause you inconveniences but to feel you
sitting just next to you. You must have observed that I never could take much food.
It wasn’t that I was ashamed but just to have your presence was more than
enough. That way I was crazy upon you and wanted you to know that. I know you
must have known that yet you never showed a sign of reciprocating my feelings.
I waited for a day when you would say you started feeling for me.
In wait for that day, a year passed yet you
showed no feeling for me. I wasn’t angry but felt hurt. I knew that my feelings
were one-sided and that to wait for you was like expecting miracle to happen.
You must not have known how toughness ruled me then. Before I let you know my
feelings I tried taking pills. I was mentally disturbed and suffered from
depression and OCD.I was constantly thinking of you. I approached my uncle who
is a Psychiatrist for the treatment. I took pills for two months and still that
didn’t make me alright.I had to confess you that I fell for you. Other than you,
whom could I say this? So I told you about my feelings.
One day around October 10 or so, I showed
other side of my reality. I abused you and hurt you with vulgar words. I never
intended to do so but it seemed to me that you had turn off chat for me. I sent
to you several messages but you never responded any. I saw you chatting with my
friends while bothering me the least. I was literally hurt. I couldn’t control
my tears. I was alone in my room and having so many kinds of feelings and thoughts.
I became mad. Once you’re responded me and then I started chatting with you
that led to abusing you. I thought I better abused you and earned hatred
because your goodness and silence were causing me trouble. Once I abused you
with vulgar, I knew you would hate me and point out my weaknesses. I knew you would block me from face
book and delete my phone number. I knew you would tell me not to contact you
and message you,. Our distance would be fading and would become longer. I
predicted that and yes even wanted that to happen. It happened and you started
hating me. I wanted it. Yet did you ever know and even try to know how guilty I
felt. That night I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking of our good times and your
goodness. However my abusive words had
already made you hate me, you would never come towards me. Our closeness faded
and the way you thought of me changed. I became villain in your eyes. Later
that night around 1 A.M or so when I checked to see what I had written, I was
already blocked and that I couldn’t view any messages. Gradually we became once
again unknown and strange yet I could not hate you. My feelings were the same
yet once when I wrote a message to you, you asked me never to try messaging you . That
held me back from contacting you. I tried calling but the time i dialed your
number I would remember your warning and dared not to. Adding to being silent were the busy schedule of my life, Lots of assignments and research proposal
made me indulged. Soon winter vacation started. You went away and I went away
never to have you in my life.
Today I feel my craze and infatuations are
squeezed off and I am a normal man now. I have become a love-phobic man yet I
never have hated you. I don’t know if I can talk to you now but I definitely
will make an attempt to talk to you after I go from here. Then, don’t expect me
to disturb you but to appreciate your humanness. I never will propose you for I
have no such worldly desires. I still admire you but i am sorry for my time to
think of life has come. If I wanted I could force you to listen to me by crying
and troubling you. I can blackmail you sentimentally. When i say so, please don’t take it negatively. This is
what just happens to many lovers. I have watched a good number of movies too.
Our caste system comes in between and bars our union. We are different and thus
I would never want to make you uncomfortable again.
Lastly but not the least, I ask you for the
forgiveness. Please don’t take me wrongly in life.I shall still treat you the
best person of life yet I shall change the angle from where I used to view.
Thanking you
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